Ok, so we’ve all been there haven’t we?


Doesn’t matter where you work, within what industry we all encounter a fuckwit, some of us more than one! (Like me). And, if I am brutally honest, for women it is a lot harder for us, especially in any working environment involving secretarial, government, administrative, basically anything involving working within an office.


Thing is, what women don’t seem to understand is that in practically 100% of offices, you are working for a MAN. End of. So why are we bickering amongst each other?Competing for this and that when at the end of the day its only to serve some patriarchal vision, patriarchal goal and to satisfy some chauvinistic pig? Anyway this another topic I will go into at another time.


So, where I work I deal with quite a lot of fuckwits on a daily basis, below I am going to give you the typical examples of fuckwits in which we as decent, normal, down to earth women must endure on a daily basis. I imagine you can also relate to these.


1.) The ugly, jealous, loud mouth bitch. (In my office I call her Quaggers, after Quagmire from family guy, not just because she has a jaw that goes on forever, but because she is also loud and annoying.)


Right ok, you know this one, the girl who is around about your own age, she despises you because you are everything she’s not; pretty, smart, well dressed, kind, good hearted, decent, can laugh at yourself and have the ability to get through your bad times. This fuckwit normally has a small group of other fuckwits she forms an alliance with, who then become a group of vultures preying on the day you have your downfall or weak moment. These fuckwits may often befriend you at first, giving off the impression they actually care and are interested in you, they coax information from you slowly in which they use at their advantage later on. Their main aim is to stamp you out so that you don’t get your chance to shine at work or socially. The fuckwit I have dealt with within this category is a grade A bitch. She has no life outside of the office walls, she lives for the office as it is her livelihood, she has managed to grab a man also within the office which is another token to her invented ‘popularity’. Ok, at first I’ll admit it, I wanted to be part of the group, the popular group which socialise and are at the centre of any office scandal, knowing every ones business and then evoking imaginery tales to then use as gossip to target you around the office. This fuckwit has terrible dress sense, is not exactly appealing to the eye and just loves staring at me, her boyfriend is actually quite fit weirdly enough, so either she’s good at giving head or she’s good at casting love spells, I am going with the latter. Now, this fuckwit, within my first week of working in my current role took it upon herself to tell me she doesn’t like me, so that is never a good start is it? A few weeks passed and another new girl started, we hit it off and seemed to have a lot in common, the jealous fuckwit didn’t like this so then befriended the new girl. I then became a sort of tag a long desperate to be part of the ‘in crowd’. Anyway, I inevitably got bored of this, and realised I am valuable and do have some interesting things to say for myself that go beyond the walls of the office. I ended up becoming good friends with a guy on my team, instantly that brought me into a whole new ball game didn’t it? Fuckwit 1 didn’t like this either. I have stayed close friends to the guy and fuckwit has really gone to town on me.  I mean things like gossip, rumours, and she even brought on board her allied fuckwits to orchestrate a situation in which another fuckwit would attack me. I will explain this in another fuckwit example. Basically, to deal with this fuckwit, you must be like the mongoose. You must keep your smile, watch your back at all costs for any knives to be stabbed into, you must always ensure you look for people on your wave length and level, doesn’t matter who these people are whether they are old, young, black, white, female, male, christian, Muslim doesn’t matter as long as you can find someone on your wave length you will at least survive the politics that belong in an environment as such. Never be a sheep, and keep your soul, do not sell it out to others. This fuckwit just hates you because she fears you, you are everything she isn’t, and she cannot stand this, which is why she wants to stamp you out, so make sure that this never happens, maintain your dignity and your soul at all costs and you will survive this game of chess. Joke is, is that while they’re playing black and white checkers, you are preparing your check mate in chess.


Righteo, fuckwit 2 – this is usually fuckwit 1’s go to, their bff, their armour. This fuckwit isn’t always but usually is the only gay in the village. You know the type. I mean, you have gay guys, and they just function normally like the rest of us, they go to work, they go out, they read books, they have a boyfriend, they enjoy films, and have good days and bad days. Then you have this type, the type I have had to endure, the bitchy, flamboyant, desperate for attention, over the top, only gay in the village. This fuckwit really went to town on me. Forwarding emails about my sexuality, my sex life, my pregnancies and hygiene, he really wanted people to hate on me, and hate on me good. Ok, these fuckwits come across as caring slightly eccentric people who you think they actually are fond and interested in you. Trust me, they ain’t. They are intrigued when you first start as you are a new face, and fuckwit 2 knows men will also be intrigued, they don’t like this as they need to be the centre of attention, they may even suffer from ADHD. They don’t like you because you have a vagina, a pretty, appealing, desirable vagina, that the men in the office would like to get to know better. They will NEVER have a vagina unless they buy one. Ok, these fuckwits suck cock, so you know they brown nose management, they are in with the top dogs and in with fuckwit 1. The reason they get on with fuckwt 1is because fuckwit 1 is of no threat to them at all as fuckwit 1 is an ugly cow bag. As I said earlier, this fuckwit actually attacked me in a social setting, hurling verbal abuse at me, spat in my face and also pushed me. The verbal abuse hurled at me was VERY personal, and  I mean VERY personal, it was an attack on my womanhood and sexuality. Luckily I did not crumble when this attack took place, and also luckily I had my male friend with me, who made sure it dispersed quickly and we left together safely. When I reported fuckwit 2’s attack (which was orchestrated by fuckwit 1 and her side kick) this is when fuckwit 1 tried to make my life hell at work, eyeballing me at every cost and taking it upon herself to tell the rest of the world about it, inventing stories that I was homophobic. Now I am not homophobic, but riddle me this, why is it ok for fuckwit 2 to attack my sexuality and I am unable to attack his?(positive discrimination, political correctness gone mad)? Regardless of his homosexuality or not, he is still a man twice my size and twice my age and he attacked a woman. How is that fair please? Makes no sense does it? Now because fuckwit 2 lied that I had muttered “fag” under my breath he got off scott free with this attack. Now you tell me why the FUCK my office has equal opportunities in their vision and mission statement? How on earth is this equal opportunities? Because fuckwit 2 is gay that allows him to verbally and physically attack me as well as spit on me? Basically this is a fucking joke. Obviously I can’t leave my job (just yet) as I need to pay rent. So you can imagine my fury and anger at the outrage I have endured in this place and because of these fuckwits. It really is a travesty that nothing has been done to remedy this situation and that I have had to suffer such annihilation, I mean what a personal derogatory attack on my character. You know its thanks to the shit I’ve been through (due to my ex which I wll also talk about in another post) that I had the stomach and strength to face work and battle on through with my head held high in the snake pit, the dragons den, the house of flying daggers. So……How do you deal with this fuckwit? You AVOID THEM LIKE THE PLAGUE. Seriously, if you work for a large conglomerate organisation, institution, government etc, believe me their ideals serve the pink pound so look out for the biggest bitchiest flamboyant gay there, the only gay in the village syndrome, once you figure them out, avoid them. Make small talk do not converse fully, do not give ANYTHING away keep your cards close to your chest and do not socialise with this fuckwit keep far away because believe me girlfriend they will try to destroy as best they can. This is because deep down they also fear you because they don’t understand you and do not have what you have. I learnt this vaulable lesson too late. But now I do hold my head high, and ignore this fuckwit as though their existence wasn’t existence. Thing is, people will always try to take advantage of you if you are not from ‘the town’ “the city” etc. For instance I work in London, I am from Teesside, a small town to the capital of the UK. People think I am naive and easily lead astray, people think like me you are alone and have no back up so they pounce like tigers and want to rip your carcass to shreds and feed on your new blood. Don’t let them, keep your wits about you at all costs. Do not give anything away,put your mask on every morning before you enter the snake pt, do your jazz hands and mentally say show time. You wll get through it. Trust me, after the injustice I have endured because of these fuckwits and because of this patriarchal entity of a place I work for, I am plannng my exit strategy so I can progress to a working environment which is built upon mutual trust respect and equal opportunities. I am tired of being a government hooker anyway. So, remember AVOID this fuckwit at all costs, that’s the only way you will keep your discipline, respect and dignity, also, your power will rise tenfold as this desperate for a vagina fuckwit will fear you more….


Fuckwit 3 – The old, passed her sell by date, baron, racist, hag. Ok, she may not be racist but she certainly doesn’t seem to accommodate white women very well. Especially, young, pretty, blonde white women whose best friend is a black west Indian male. Now this fuckwit, has piercing jealous cow like eyes, a sour face, and cannot relate to anything young because she has never experienced having, raising or caring for children because she missed the boat and is very bitter over it. She sees you have a clean, good heart and doesn’t like this, she sees you are good friends with “one her kind” and she despises this, so she jumps on the band wagon as fuckwit 1 and 2, using a feeble excuse along the lines of ‘I just don’t liker her, my spirit doesn’t take to her.’ What a crock of shit because before you have any drama, fuckwit 3 was a “friend” to you and reluctantly welcomed you into her group. Just so happens she didn’t think you would be valued, appreciated or acknowledged. This fuckwit is quite pathetic really. She is more than double your age, is way passed her sell by date, is sour faced, blunt, bitter, ignorant and in all truth, very sad. I experienced this when I had my drama and my attack, now because this fuckwit has no children/daughters of her own she cannot relate to how I felt and instead made it so difficult for me to be friends with my male friend I ended up feeling isolated and left alone in the office as she also put my male friend in a position where often he would need to choose sides. Obviously he kept away from this and because there is a real bond of friendship between me and my male friend he always is there for me. These older women, should know better because they are older women. This fuckwit baffles me as she really does not have any actual beef with me so what is her problem? That’s it….Jealousy, she doesn’t like the fact I am young, white blond and my best friend is one of her men. That’s it, she hasn’t liked this fact from day dot so has looked for an opportunity to justify her hatred towards me and jumped on the band wagon. Now, a lot of other women of her calibre wll do this as well as a lot of other people. If you ever do experience these fuckwits or dramas that I have, all you can do is maintain your self as you are. DO NOT CHANGE, do not stop being friends with your friend, because trust me, your friendship will become stronger and stronger as you go through these tough times. Even if your best friend happens to be the binary opposite of everything you are and people can’t seem to understand that and automatically assume its based on sex, prove them wrong. For instance, after I was called a slut, slag, prostitute, riddled with diseases, get another abortion, then spat at, and pushed. Did i go to the office on a Monday in a robe, all washed out and scared shitless? Nope. I went in with my make up on, my short skirts and heels, my blond hair out with my big blue eyes shining. I wont let them break me, why? Because they didn’t make me that’s why. And, I still maintained my friendship with my male friend (my binary opposite male friend). Now to deal with this fuckwit, when you first start at your work place and you figure out the baron old hag, you acknowledge her existence, you have your p’s and q’s but you NEVER speak on any sort of female level with her about anything. Why? because she cannot relate to you on any level as a woman. So just don’t bother, as I keep saying you need to figure out the REAL people from the snakes early on, you really do. And the way you do this is by slowly but surely opening up to certain people. You need to listen to your gut instincts at times, you know when you can connect to someone on your level and when you can’t so don’t be so caught up in “trying to fit in”, belong, be part of the “in crowd”. Don’t sacrifice yourself or your beliefs for others because this is what makes you you, and the people that are lucky enough to get to know you will love you. That’s that. If you have the family I have, you will know what I mean. Office’s are the same as school, they have the same groups of stereotypes and the same social hierarchies. They have the bullies and snakes and its all just another playground, as a woman you need to realise this fast if you want to survive. Especially if you’re the type that doesn’t fuck your way to the top, doesn’t see others as competition and just basically wants to earn a living and make friends. If you are normal like me then you really need to realise these points fast.


Fuckwit 4 -This fuckwit really isn’t of any importance or danger, but its worth a mention. This fuckwit is deep down insanely jealous but you give her a bligh because she is alot younger than you and probably doesn’t understand how to be a woman just yet. She might be a bit unappealing to the eye but she wll not cause you too much drama because she is just a pawn in fuckwit 1’s game of “chess”, she is probably the knight or rook. She is of no competition to you because she is probably on a lower grade and salary, is younger, and, probably less attractive than you, and is just jealous because you seem to not only be attractive, but probably different (in my case I have a set of massive blue eyes, a black girls bum and a northern accent) these things make me different in my snake pit. She has none of these things, so because she does not have these things she fears you and can only jump on the band wagon as well to also hate on you, because haters will always hate. You really don’t need to worry about this fuckwit though she is a mere anonymous drone and just a cast off of fuckwit 1. She just forms an alliance because she too enjoys hating you because you are everything she isn’t. I call this fuckwit squirrel because she isn’t just a goofy cunt, she has boring, dull, long, tatty hair, a terrible dress sense (no love it isn’t indie its just pikey) she has the most common accent ever and likes to befriend all the younger guys to make her feel desirable and attractive when they probably see her as a laddette. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with being a laddette I often am with my male friend but that’s because hes a friend not because  am using it as some part of a game or plan in my work place.


As you can see, from these examples and I am sure you can relate to them that to be part of an office, as an attractive young and intelligent woman it s very very difficult and you have to battle though it. I will now go on to explain the alliances you need and can also form to help you through this snake pit in my next post.


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